This year is all about improving my mental and physical health. Right now in therapy for domestic violence, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and the trauma also links back to when I went through a sexual attack as a teen.
I am also dealing with the trauma of cyber and covert bullying, harassment, defamation of character, boycotts and false rumours spread about me. I am taking setraline for this.
I went through a near death experience, experienced severe heartbreak, betrayal and false friendships. I am learning healthy boundaries. I was always feeling sorry for the abuser and it is called stockholm syndrome. I kept forgiving unacceptable treatment because I kept trying to "heal and fix" the person out of care and removed my needs/wants/ego to help but it was detriment to my emotional and physical health. I became a doormat and pin cushion for everyone's pain.
I kept trying to save everyone and it left me depleted because they would never give me the same love and affection or care. I was realising I was loyal to people who could drop me in a second. Who had no care to the love I gave to them.
I was around two faced people, abusers, people who had tall poppy syndrome so if you tried to go for something in your life, they would try to knock you down. I was met with racism, sexism, class prejudices, appearance prejudices and was treated horrifically by people I thought were my friends. All I could see was backstabbing. Cowardice and drama created by others. If I stood up for myself, I got presented with target shamers. So it was okay if they publicly shamed me but did not want me to defend myself. This is outrageous. I will be putting up my story to show exactly what it is like for a woman of colour in music and the difference in treatment.
Even after all this, I am working through grief, trauma and betrayal. I have been a strong woman, but at the end of it all, I cannot bury these wounds. I am not a robot. Flashbacks, nightmares are part of my life. I thought I had it figured out by being strong but I got anxiety attacks from any form of confrontation. It got worse. So I knew I had to see someone. I have an incredible therapist helping me through this difficult part of my life. I went through a charity for domestic abuse and now have a therapist. I have learned so much.
I put a lot of my energy and time into Ragebreed. However cutting hours and ensuring my health comes first. Despite all this I went on a keto diet at the start of the year, I lost weight and all my levels are good. I have to up my vitamin D but that is it. I am so pleased. So these little wins help me so much when I am dealing with issues so big. I never really spoke about any of this. I was taught that my voice did not matter but it does. I will be using it to tell the truth on how I was treated soon backed with evidence.
I want you to know my challenges and the real me so you understand that I reach for my dreams because I have to live authentic to who I am. These horrific experiences have helped me learn so I can teach others who have undergone hard things and how to heal from it. By sharing my own personal journey I hope it reaches others to let them know you are not alone.
Please join Ragebreed - Mind, Body & Spirit and Ragebreed Against Bullying on facebook.