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What Challenges Have I Faced?

There is no such thing as a perfect life and to create the life you want, you have to go through difficult periods in your life.  On this page I will be showing you what things I have faced to get to where I am now. .

 
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TRAUMA

As a teen, I survived a sexual attack with a man who had had been responsible for raping teen girls and women. I did not think I would get out alive.  I got PTSD from the trauma.  I could not watch sex scenes, I had trust issues as a result.  I got bulimia and I went through multiple suicide attempts.  I am still here today because of music.

 
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LOVE/GRIEF

I met my first love Gaz

Together we formed a band called Neutral Shade later be known as Mindlapse.  During this time a friend of ours died in a van accident and so we helped each other through the sexual attack and grief of losing a friend.

 
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BULLYING

Rival Band

There was a band called Slavestate that would ridicule Mindlapse on forums and the singer would hit on me when I was drunk.  He asked me to be with him and I said no for two reasons.  I loved my husband, he would hit on my friends too while he was with other people. There was no respect for me or my relationship or my band.  There became a divide in Leicester as a result.  This group called themselves the longshanks.

 
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PCOS

I then got diagnosed with PCOS and Underactive Thyroid after I got married

Cysts on my ovaries would crack and bleed and I would drink on weekends just to escape everything because I had PTSD on top.

 
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DIVORCE

Myself and Gaz grew apart and we decided to separate

We did try many times to get back together but I was constantly ill and having panic attacks so he started working away more, we grew apart.  The bullying in Leicester with this clique didn't stop so he wanted to leave. I wanted to be near my family and friends because of my illness. We decided to sell the house in the end but we both remained in Mindlapse.  Later he decided to leave the band but we divorced on good terms. I still am friends with members of his family and he has remarried a lovely woman.

 

NEW LOVE

I then dated the bass player of Black River Project but some members were friends with the singer of Slavestate/Blood Oath so they created issues between myself and Dave and things that were our business they got involved with.  One of the girls pushed me in a nightclub, the clique would stand on one side of the room and I had to stand on the other side.  They did not agree with me and him being together.  The pressure got to both of us and impacted our relationship. Dave wasn't ready for a serious relationship and cheated on me with my friend Kim who later apologised.  I put his band on tour but I found out he was also getting with other women.  We were both young and reckless and so that ended.  We also ended up in a situation where by we had communication problems during intimacy and this led to more distrust and complications.  Dave has left Blood Oath and has mentioned to a friend I didn't deserve the abuse and harassment I am getting. We did try to date again a few years back but we had the same communication problems and then his friends would interfere. I had a very fun relationship with him and we had great chemistry but the commitment and care was not there.

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ROCK N' ROLL

Escapism

When you have been treated so badly from people you start to begin to think your worth is nothing.  I started to drink heavily on weekends after meeting Gemma and her friends.  They had a party everyday just about in her house.  We were young and foolish but we had a great time.  I got the idea to bring back Ragebreed to help bands and give them a new skill to learn.

 
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FELL IN LOVE

This was big and it completely changed my life.

He told me he gets with girls he isn't bothered about because it is easier when they leave, he said I would leave him in a year and he said he would never go through the pain of losing someone again if he fell in love.  I have loved him since the day I met him but his fear outweighed the courage to be with me and he cared what others thought. So he got with my friends.  Broken hearted, I went off the rails.

 
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SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

He got with one of my best friends Kerry after he had been sending me love songs.  I really thought we would be with each other and instead I got a stab to the heart.  Betrayal from both and on top of this a *friend* made him believe I had millions of pounds and not paying anyone. He believed these people over me.  There were trust issues because of rumours which still happen to this day.  He kept rejecting me but then coming onto me when drunk.  Feelings were there but he didn't care how he treated me.  So I started to date other people and had a single life.

 

NEAR DEATH

ACCIDENT - FIRE

I dated other people while he dated my friends and my self esteem was low, I was ill, I was trying to run Ragebreed with rumours flying around.  I was suffering with PCOS, PTSD, Underactive Thyroid and Heartbreak/Trauma. I couldn't get over him but then one night after cleaning, my cysts cracked and bled and the pain was horrendous.  I took my medication, lit a candle and meditated in my room to ease the pain.  I fell asleep but during the night, the wind from the window which was slightly open knocked the candle over while I was asleep.  In my dream I could hear "wake up Karina" and my I did, one side of the room was on fire.  It was an electrical fire.  I ran out but accidently shut the door behind me which in hindsight was a good thing because minutes later after we left the house, there was an explosion.  There are people in Leicester that to this day do not care I nearly lost my life.  They do not see that this was accident.  I have been discussing their reactions with my therapist recently and she was quite frankly disgusted.  The words were, "it was an accident and you should not be carrying this guilt around because of cruel people with no empathy."  I fainted outside and the ambulance took me to the hospital. I had nightmares afterwards but I didn't trust anyone to talk about my emotions because of their reactions to me.

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MOVING ON

ABUSIVE SITUATION

So eventually I moved on and started to see a guy called Mitch and I lived with Jim and Luke.  Jim didn't pay me any money and still owes me thousands of pounds which I am going to be contacting the solicitors for.  Luke paid his way.  During this time, Mitch and I used to playfight but then it started to get violent, playfighting ended up with bruising and it got serious (threatened to take my life and his with a knife). The worst part in it was I didn't care.  People were bitching and the only person I thought could protect me was him.  However I ended up being the target.  It took me years to finally leave.  I am currently in therapy for the abuse of him and the lack of support of my friends at the time and the bitching.  We split up and he got with his ex, and Jp came back, we shared a night (didn't go all the way) he came onto me and as usual a face for me in private and a face for me in public.  I was still being gaslighted. Then when we talked afterwards, he had an issue with Mitch yet he had been seeing nearly all of my friends. In the end, Mitch and I tried again and moved out of the house and I lived in a flat.  The abuse continued and got worse.  Finally police were called and he manipulated that to his advantage lying about me and him.  He would send me messages such as "it isn't over until I say it's over", friends witnessed his violence and aggression and then in the end, I finally got the courage to leave and dragged him out of my flat.

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RUMOURS

Betrayal From Friends

My therapist asked me recently about the lies that had been told about me and how it made me feel.  Whether it was ex staff or ex friends it made me angry.  I felt like everyone around me was toxic.  No one supported me, no one cared.  I had undergone abuse, sexism, racism, bullying and everyone was too scared to stand up to what is wrong. I wasn't however.  I did a cull for my mental health. I set up Ragebreed Against Bullying, I spoke to charities and I toughened up and stopped tolerating inexcusable treatment.  It was not acceptable to be putting up slanderous comments or statuses because of hearsay backed with no proof.  It was competition. Plain and simple.  Jealousy, cruelty and competition and friends of promoters and bands being *loyal* to them while trying to kill me off and Ragebreed.  An affiliate contacted the bands and it was seen these people were causing the drama and if I defended myself, I was the drama queen.  Target shamers were the worst people in all this.  People who believed hearsay or just blamed the person being attacked for defending self or having a reaction.

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ONLINE ABUSE

Lies were told about me and the online abuse started.  The harassment went to the police and one of the culprits Annikki has been warned to stop contacting me and the affiliates.  She and the singer of Slavestate and Bloodoath plus their clique including a girl called Nomi who started it all, did this to bring me down and lied that I did not pay my bands at Ragefest when we had a ticket policy and we paid fees.  We also had a spread for the bands.  We went over and beyond.  Other promoters got jealous and believed the slander.  So as advised from the police, we were told to send cease and desist letters. We did that and the abuse continued. I am in therapy for all of this.

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GRIEF

I lost a lot of people to death. One person hit hard which was my goth brother Nish.

Nish was in Mindlapse but I lost a lot of family and friends at a short period of time.  I moved to Nottingham to get away from it all.  The fake friends, the abuse, the bullying, the slandering but it just did not stop.  I never deserved any of it.

 

MUSIC SAVED MY LIFE

I came back home to live with my parents, to help them in their retirement, get therapy, work on my studies, my business and my musical projects and give it all a focus. I have improved so much.  I lost weight, looking after myself better and have a great therapist that is helping me through the hard times I am facing with harassment and past traumas with abuse, gas lighting, betrayal and bullying/bitching. I have a wonderful team I love very much and during lockdown have become closer to my family.  We are moving soon and I am looking forward to building up Ragebreed and all my projects because the one thing that has never let me down is music.

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EDUCATION & HEALTH

I focussed on studies, on my business, my health, my creative projects and I am now in such a better place.  I know my worth and I will never allow anyone to take that away from me.  I lost a stone, I have learned yoga and Zumba, I am in therapy and looking after me. I rarely drink. I am alive, I am breathing and I have better friends, lovely family and when I date again, it will be with someone who knows what it is to settle down and treat their woman with respect, love and kindness. He will protect my heart, not break it and have work ethic like myself. More importantly I am happy with who I am, I love what I do and I am helping others through Ragebreed - Mind, Body & Spirit and via the various services I do.  My aim is to serve my community also helping others which is why I affiliate.

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